You can't motorboat a personality
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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