I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sorry about my life...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
