Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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