I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
