i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
