you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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