I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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