toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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