Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
