I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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