Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
