the condom got lost in my hair
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
