Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
