I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
