How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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