nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
