So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
