You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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