I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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