then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
