I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
