This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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