i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
