Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
