I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
