clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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