I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
