I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
