Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize