Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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