I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So squirting runs in the family.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
