my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
