you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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