I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
