i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
