I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
