Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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