when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
