i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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