yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
