I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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