The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
