Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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