I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
