I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
