with your own penis?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
