did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
