I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
