I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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