Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
