I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
