dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
